Overwhelmed.

I have a confession: I’m completely overwhelmed right now. I’m overwhelmed by writing this. I’m overwhelmed trying to capture and write about the multitude of rich experiences as fast as they slip through my fingers like the hot desert sands in Jaisalmer. I’m overwhelmed by the stark realities I see every day.

The adorable puppy with its leg crippled, probably mutilated by a rickshaw that purposely swerved to hit it or by some kid taking out his frustration and lack of control over the chaotic, crumbling, filthy world around him. Maybe he’s passing on some of the violence that passes from father to son on a very regular basis. But this is India, and love is everywhere. Maybe it got hit by a train and someone is taking care of it, giving it cardamom milk every day, and our thought process jumps to the bad because we see so much of it.

I’m overwhelmed by love, and everything positive and negative it entails. I’m overwhelmed by the beauty of having a partner who values the same things I value, who looks at me with nothing but admiration in her gorgeous blue eyes. I’m overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for that love while I’m overwhelmed by everything else going on around me. I’m overwhelmed by trying to catch buses, jump onto moving trains, and trying to be compassionate when she’s overwhelmed by everything herself.

India is overwhelming. I’m overwhelmed by the beautiful world one of the best friends I could ever hope for opened up to me. I wouldn’t have come here or done this trip at all if Bharath hadn’t continually prodded me to come, inviting me to see where he came from and why he is the way he is. I’m overwhelmed by the array of gasp-inducing experiences he helped us to realize.

We’ve seen fog-shrouded temples teeming with monkeys rising out of the jungle, we’ve slept in the desert under a glittering canvas of stars with previously unimaginable depth, accompanied by nothing but fire and beautiful Rajasthani singing. We’ve laughed until tears streamed down our faces and our bellies hurt (if they didn’t already from something foul or delicious). We met the Dalai Lama. We learned about this place inside and out from the best guide we could ever hope to have.

We’ve gone from being irritated, flustered, and downright pissed off at a neverending stream of touts to melting under the beauty of the Taj Mahal. We went sari shopping in a back market in Bangalore we never would have discovered without him and his beautiful family.

The food is overwhelming. God, it’s SO delicious.
I can’t imagine not having access to this food when I go home. Sometimes the spice is overwhelming. My mouth is flooded with overwhelming deliciousness and with hot chilis I probably didn’t even know existed before I came here, and the flood of flavor turns into a flood of tears and sweat as I realize just how goddamned spicy what I just ate was.

Cassie and I listened to the entire audiobook of Life of Pi, which is partially set in India. In one scene, after moving to Canada, the protagonist talks about being ridiculed by the waiter at an Indian restaurant in Toronto for eating with his hands. “God, fresh off the boat are you? Still eating with your hands?” And he talks about how heartwrenching that was for him, because a huge part of the food experience is “tasting” the food with your hands before putting it in your mouth.

And it’s so true – you feel much more connected to what you’re eating and putting in your body, for better or for worse, but usually better. You can tell if something is spicy by the way it makes any tiny cuts on your fingers sting. You can tell how hot it is and if it’s going to burn your mouth. The texture you feel with the tips of your fingers is so fine-grained it could never be matched by your tongue.

The people are overwhelming. Cassie gets stared at with such searing intensity that it feels like those doing the staring could rip her clothes off and rape her without ever moving a muscle. And I get this overwhelming sense of protectiveness – I feel violent urges towards them. Some of them would do well to get socked in their bugged out, disgusting eyes. Others pretend to be sending text messages but take photos with their cameras.

Some of them don’t even keep it to eye contact. Men stick out their knuckles to get a feel of her hips. One guy asked for a photo, and since we feel better that at least they’re asking, we said yes. He posed for the photo and groped her breast in plain sight of me. We got him into a lot of trouble for it, but that’s beside the point. The level of attention is incessant and overwhelming.

I get overwhelmed by the living nostalgia this trip gives me. I know I’m going to look back on this as one of the best times of my life, and as carefree and wonderful it is, it’s a huge responsibility – live in the moment, be everything, do everything, don’t look back, and for God’s sake, don’t get overwhelmed and hide from it!

But then there’s the overwhelming guilt – why do I get to do this and so many people don’t? It’s clear that some people can but don’t, but every single day we’re stared in the face by gaunt beggars, aggressive transvestites, and needy children. We’re doing this trip ridiculously cheap – I’m spending less than I spend in the States, but the stark realities we see every day remind me of the power of money. This cheap trip would still mean an education, or a year of food, or a shelter to live in for any one of the people we see. But the trip is what’s making me aware of that, and I can’t have it both ways. Overwhelming.

So, I’m going to surrender to the feeling. In writing this, I’m changing the voice of what I’ve written so far. I’m admitting I can’t capture everything. I have a lot I still want to tell in the form of narrative, but too much has simply happened to keep it up in real time. So I’ll write that later. On the side. On my own. What I write for you guys will be the raw, moment-by-moment wonder of the trip as it hits me. Like this. Enjoy the ride, I know I am.

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Comments

  • Thank you for this beautiful lense to enter the New Year with. You are on point on all accounts. So much love for you!

  • Vicki Asbury

    Jan 1st, 2012

    Amen

  • Wow. Just wow.

    I’m overwhelmed. You met the Dalai freakin Lama!!

    I can not wait to see the experiences in the glint of your eyes’. Iit will be remarkable. Enjoy it you THREE!

  • FOUR I MEAN! YOU FOUR!

  • This is such an amazing post. So powerful and vibrant, and I’m so glad that both of you could make this trip. Take care you guys!!